Posted by: Jae | July 1, 2007

On Boy Friends

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* Inspired by my friend Golda’s latest post “Every Girl Needs a Boy Friend”, and a long long overdue response to Arcibald’s comment here.

Me, I’m a self-proclaimed fag hag. It certainly feels like in every episode of my life, there was a bading in the picture — either sipping Margaritas and taking long drags out of designer cigarettes with me in some chi-chi bar while listening to the latest development of my psychedelic love life; or palengkera-parlorista style, cackling wickedly while eating turon and dissecting in delicious detail the men who have broken our hearts and whose hearts we have broken. I love them all, these beautiful queens.

But it’s true that much has already been said about the fag-faghag tandem. The “gUrlfriend” relationship has been extensively discussed as well, in movies like “Beaches” and the “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”.

Golda asserted correctly that the most underrated human relationship is that between a girl and her boy (space) friend. Movies made about this kind of relationship always end up with the girl and the boy friend becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. Like Jolina and Marvin. Or, of more recent vintage, John Lloyd and Bea. As though a platonic relationship between boy and girl is not good enough if it isn’t a prelude to, you know, true love and sweaty groping. Was I the only one who was (very faintly) bothered when Winona Ryder kissed Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites and said “I’m ending our friendship”?

Over the past several years, I’ve managed to build rich, lasting platonic friendships with a handful of wonderful and funny heterosexual men . These are the type of people who you can talk about ANYTHING with, without the complications of sex and gender getting in the way. (Well, almost anything. They can’t talk about the latest fashion accessory, and they know zilch about local showbiz unless it’s about Katrina Halili). And some of the pieces of advice that have tended to stick in my head and will probably remain there forever come from them.

Example from an actual conversation with an actual Boy Friend, who happens to be a very intelligent law professor: Wag ka kasi makipag-breakup ng gabi. Iset mo ng lunch. Yung sa venue na maraming tao. Chocolate Kiss, ganun.

None of the guys you date will ever be good enough for the Boy Friend (unless of course, the guy happens to be one of his buddies and he brought the both of you together — in which case he’ll make fun of you even more. Hi Bobby!) and when you’re newly in love, expect maybe one or two occasions wherein he’ll do stupid imitations of of starry-eyed cloud-nine you. But if the relationship did not work out and it was your heart that got bludgeoned into pieces, he’ll be by your side, San Mig bucket and kalderetang kambing in tow, alternately holding you while you cry (helpful), and offering to beat up your guy with a dos por dos “wasak kung wasak” (not helpful.)

And another thing: when they tell you you’re hot, you’re more sure you’re hot than if say, a girlfriend or a gay friend told you the same thing. With your guy friends, it’s like, you can “test-drive” how you look and what reactions you can expect to generate from the opposite sex, without necessarily venturing into the dark and murky thicket of non-platonic male-female entanglements. It’s fun: you actually see them give an involuntary start, manifested more often than not in a twitch or in a gulp. And then they go, “ang seksi mo ‘tol, ah.

If you’re lucky enough to have a particularly nice Boy Friend, he’d do stuff for you and help you get away with scrapes you get yourself into. Studying for the bar, I decided to live on campus to better concentrate on my review (we all know how that turned out!). My blockmate and Boy Friend Francis and I decided to share a room to cut down on expenses. One night, I happened to destroy a certain piece of furniture — I’m keeping the details of this story as sketchy as possible — and, well, let’s just say, he helped me squirm out of that mess. He’s the Boy Friend of all the girls in our block. He’s funny when you need funny. Serious when you need serious. Present, always and forever.

And then there’s yet another Boy Friend, whose existence in my life refutes the notion that a male-female platonic relationship is low-maintenance: you know, like a beige rug that blends with the furniture and is hassle-free, but can be warm and comfy when your toes get cold. Nope, we’re not like that. Well, it’s warm and comfy sometimes, but it definitely is not hassle-free. We fight maybe once every forty eight hours and get on each other’s nerves maybe once a week. Over the pettiest of things. However, when the dust settles, and it does every time, I still like what I have. And I like that I know what I do know now: that solid unconditional friendships can bring “perfect days” too. 😉

Sure, sometimes, friendships of the platonic sort develop into relationships. And I suppose there are girls and boys who wait for that to happen. Tamang ‘Ive loved you for so long you are a friend of mine’. Oh, and there are also kabarkadas of the “non-couple” who wait for that to happen, like kibitzers on the side or bettors in a casino. But really, these friendships should be celebrated for what they are. Along, of course, with the men behind these friendships — for they who make other girls’ hearts go giddy-yap are also they who keep yours happy, safe, sane and working in tandem with your head.


Responses

  1. waiting for the non-couple to happen.wahaha oo nga!teka, un ba ang line sa reality bites? parang pareho sa with honors..may ganun na line dun.

  2. Aren’t Boy Friends just the greatest? I think this entry is one of the best I’ve read regarding platonic male-female relationships.

    I am currently involved in 2 wonderful Boy Friend relationships and they guys are just as diverse as night and day. The both make me feel like I’m the next best thing since sliced bread. One lives in the city I live in and one lives about 200 miles away. The one who lives the closest is my movie (and sometimes dinner) buddy. He calls weekly just to make sure I haven’t died. The other one who lives farther away calls just about every other day. They have both been with me through thick and thin and are ohhhh so supportive. They cheer me on as I set one entrepreneurial goal after another. One contributed to a ladies suit business which never quite got off the ground. The other one has contributed to the publishing of my newly released relationship memoir, “Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces.” I give tribute to both of these wonderful men in the final chapter of the book, “We Are More Alike Than Different” – the “we” being men and women.

    For those who don’t believe that once you’ve been lovers with a man, a friendship can exist, I beg to differ. My Boy Friend who lives in my city was a lover (briefly, but still a lover). Amazingly, the friendship portion of the relationship survived!

    I must admit there have been times of intense loneliness in which I have imagined myself in a relationship with either of them. Then I snap back to my senses and realize that sex and relationship drama could ruin a wonderful, precious friendship.

    Boy Friends are the best!

    Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
    Author, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces
    http://www.carminwharton.com
    blog.carminwharton.com

  3. Golds, you’re right! My bad. That was With Honors. Sabi ko na nga ba. Isa yan sa mga pinag-isipan at pinagnilayan ko sa daan tungong bondoc peninsula. hahaha.
    Ms. Wharton,
    Thank you for your kind words. And thank you for visiting my blog. Yup, you’re right. Boy Friends are the best. (as opposed to the “next best thing” as some people are wont to think)

  4. I love my Boy Friends too. The ones who take it upon themselves to be the defenders of your universe against the bad boys that pass through your life, while also being the bridge to your crush/es and their hot friends u fancy. My boy friends have willingly played this role and for that I get to have access to their dirty dark secrets their girlfriends will never know.😀

  5. wow jae… hehehe hmmm now could there be something about girl friends too… hehehe i heard you’re working in ideals na.

  6. jordan — kahit madami kang boy friends, best friends pa din tayo ha. hahaha.

    chrisgel — ako, i make the perfect girl friend. as in. sure ako dun. non-judgmental, masarap kainuman, pwede maging lalaki, kung kailangan maging lalaki (as in, of the bok-pare-tol variety) pero pwedeng maging babae din (as in, nurturing at malambing). mas ok pa nga ata ako na girl friend, kesa girlfriend.
    😀

  7. kumusta? Sino naman itong male friend mo na high maintenance? Is he someone special🙂

  8. nope, not special at all.

  9. you seem to contradict yourself in your reply to lady-in-red..this male friend seem special the way you describe him. but well, how do you define special?

  10. i dont know what your agenda is, and really, i don’t feel obligated or inclined to answer your questions. happy fishing expedition… elsewhere.🙂

  11. hihihi. natawa ako sa latest exchanges na to ah. btw jae, if you want to catch me i’m more often at molinari than analog. coffee always trumps beer for me. tee-hee-hee.

  12. For as long as I can remember, I have never been close to a guy and still be able to maintain the relationship platonic. Parang, kung gusto ko maging close, kasi cute sya at ako ang may agenda, haha. Of course kunwari, friends muna pero deep inside, ‘attack’ mode na ko.🙂 I know how ‘animalistic’ and primal all this sounds, but I have yet to spend so much time with a guy that doesn’t interest me THAT way. What’s weird about me, Jae, is that I can easily open up to anyone, no problem, but for all my kadaldalan, there are still a lot of things you can’t pry out of me unless you’re an ever-trusted girlfriend, or my lover. But hey, because of you, dear, I’ve met some really wonderful and funny heterosexual men who make me feel safe in their company, and I like hanging out with them. Of course, not as much as I like hanging out with you. (Hahaha, promise, platonic lang). Mwah! Miss, miss, miss you.

  13. Wonderful and funny heterosexual men, yes, but safe in their company? Hehe🙂 Miss ka na din nila Enteng and Bobby, at kahit na active ang ating pseudo-egroups, mas ok pa din ang actual inuman. Ituloy natin ang naudlot na inuman last week. Sorry for that ha. Miss you too, sweetie (in a sexy, slinky, animalistic, attack! kind a way…). Nyahahahahaha.

  14. of course, it is your prerogative to answer questions or not..and it doesn’t really matter but to say something like ” i dont know what your agenda is” and happy fishing expedition elsewhere” is a little bit defensive…I think my comment/question was harmless.

  15. hay basta ako alam ko special friend ako ni jae.

    and i don’t find her defensive at all after 12 years of friendship.🙂

  16. haha.🙂 uy dinelete ko yung latest post kung san nagcomment ka.

  17. One of my my most profound fantasies is to be assaulted by my “platonic friend/s.”

  18. sabi ni ka igan, wag ko daw ibuko kung sino sya. haha. basta kainuman ko sya kagabi sa isang sobrang sayang inuman. at apparently, heartthrob pala sya. *wink*

  19. ‘day, si john and bea na ba talaga? akala ko ba platonic lang ang sa kanila.

  20. OH my god…it seems like forever since ive seen those boys.

  21. oo nga tama it’s hard for some people to grasp the idea that A and B could be both attractive, both be very dear to each other and yet never end up in bed. Pero pwede talaga. There are cases na wala talagang attraction, and there are cases na suppressed ang attraction. Yung unhealthy lang dun yung pangalawa.

  22. jem’s back in canada. mori and tj are just here in qc. youre bound to see them when you come here in october. excited na ako! and two whole weeks too! let’s go to sarahs again and get into drunken brawls like the last time. hehehe.

    true, regarding your second comment. we have lots of goodlooking guy friends, pero we’d never dream of sleeping with them. euw. kadiri. incestuous. as to suppressed attraction — well, di ko alam. i dont think its necessarily unhealthy. minsan naman kailangan talaga pigilan, inasmuch as not all impulses should be acted upon. go with yer gut nalang.


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