So here I am in the QUARRDS office in Lucena, all freshened up and preparing to go to bed because I have a 3am trip to Bondoc tomorrow. We have internet here, so I figured I can check my email and blog before going to bed. Whoopee. Usually, when I spend the night here, there’s always someone in the other room, whether a farmer-leader or one of those German observers. But now, I’m all alone in this small and quiet office. Everything was going well until I saw a notice that I had a comment in my blog. From Arnold. Just click on it, in Featured Friend Number 4.
Put tang in a glass naman, Arnold. 😦
Now all of sudden, natatakot ako. All of a sudden, I can hear the dogs of the neighbor howling — and now they sound menacing. All of a sudden, the moon I can see through the window looks like an evil, threatening omen. All of a sudden, the cold air that I thought was “christmasy” just a few moments ago now makes me shiver unpleasantly.
MIND OVER MATTER, JAE. Must. Not. Be. Scared. Must be in top battle form tomorrow.
I need to distract myself now. Funny story. I tripped on the bus this afternoon. Yep, full lunge forward, would have been nguso to floor had it not been for the nice konduktor who caught me before I completely fell (but not before I embarassed myself in front of maybe fifteen or so passengers). My potato chips scattered in all directions, with one chip falling on the lap of a five year old kid who promptly ate it.
Fuck it. SO not distracted. Still VERY scared.
Should I think about work? Working on a petition we’re filing before the Supreme Court. Spent the undas break doing it but nowhere near done. Have another thing that I have to finish for PATH, and I haven’t even begun yet. There’s a paper that needs some writing and it’s due on Monday, the same day as that consultation meeting with the Department of Agriculture. Oh and there are bills that still need to be paid, and my sister’s enrollment is coming up which means I have to cough up tuition.
So now I’ve succeeded in getting myself stressed. But I’m still scared. And the dogs are still howling. 😦
Enteng texted me a while ago, “Jae, ingat ka palagi diyan.” And while I suppose that’s a pretty normal text message, right now while I’m sitting where I’m sitting and thinking what I’m thinking, it just sounds…sinister and ominous. Enteng and the gift of his prescience, tipong ganun.
It crossed my mind to call someone. Like maybe him, or my Mom, or Dianne or Bheng or Emman or Gus or Mori. Or maybe go all-out and call Jordan long distance in Vietnam. But right now I have this irrational but very real fear that the other line will pick up and all I’ll hear is cackling carnivalesque laughter. Seriously.
Snap out of it, Jae. Post this entry, log off, set your alarm clock to 230 am, force yourself to sleep and tell yourself that the real phantoms will be at the courtroom tomorrow, and if you don’t get them first, they will get you.
Pero pakshet talaga Arnold. Yari ka talaga sa akin sa Huwebes.