Posted by: Jae | July 6, 2008

Jaded

This week, I’ve been called jaded by two different people on two VERY different issues. One was my boss, to whom I gave the advice that “if it’s not working, it’s not working” and that in relationships where you don’t feel appreciated, it’s better to cut your losses. She said that I had grown too cynical because of a past protracted and messy relationship that ate up two years of my life; I really think it only means I’m wiser and know my worth.

And then there’s this person in the circle I move around in who called me jaded and a pessimist for not believing in this particular track that a lot of people are excited about. I have no problem with bravado and taking risks, I don’t think quite a lot of people who know me would come up with the word “prudent” to describe me. All I’m saying is that we have to calculate the chances of success with the consequences of failure. I don’t mind taking a chance if the only consequence of failure is failure, but if such impacts on your other tracks or compromises the chances of success in other arenas, I think it needs to be re-thought.

But still.

I’m not used to being called jaded. And twice in one week too! I’m Little Miss Sunshine. I’m the Eternal Optimist. I’m a little teacup, short and stout. Like my Friendster account reads, At twenty eight, I love that it takes so little to make me happy. If you ask me at the end of the day what I am most proud of about my life, it’s nothing terribly big or fancy. It would be that after having gone through all that bad stuff that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy —  I still can laugh at myself and sing off-key in the shower every morning.

A month ago, I transferred jobs. I left my old job that granted me some margin of income security and transferred to a work situation wherein I would be paid lower. Already, I am feeling the economic impact of such a decision (particularly now that my mom is having health problems) but I don’t regret it. It is scary feeling so financially-vulnerable, however, one must go where her heart leads her. In my case, this meant doing lawyering with greater emphasis on mass-movement participation.

Maybe the difference between now and before is that before, I would have shrugged off the paycheck difference. Now, I would think of ways to actively offset that difference but without taking too much of my time or taking me away from my work in agrarian reform. Maybe by selling stuff online, or getting writing rakets, or whatever. (Pag binentahan ko kayo, bili kayo ha. Hehe.)

In relationships, I still like to believe that I believe in love and contrary to my boss’s assessment, I am neither scarred nor jaded. I don’t think wanting to be appreciated and valued in the relationship and refusing to be dangled OR HAVE MY FRIENDS DANGLED BY THEIR RESPECTIVE PARTNERS, means being jaded. Being jaded for me means tacticizing, hiding your cards, going into a relationship like one goes into a negotiating table. I don’t play mind games and I never will. I don’t have rules as to how a relationship should play out — verily, it can be a common ground, a shared experience, to which two people can fluidly return from time to time — but it has to be founded not only on affection, but also on appreciation of the other person. Without that, one has to walk away. Cut and cut clean. Jaded ba yun?

Or then again, maybe I’m wrong about myself. Maybe I AM jaded. Ewan ko din. Maybe over the years and as a result of past experiences, I’ve changed without my knowing it. Maybe this whole indignation parade on being called jaded by two different people in a span of one week on two distinct and independent issues is really anger at being “found out”.

I hope not. I don’t want to be jaded. I want to be Jae-Alive. Forevermore.

Ngek. Paling ang ending. Hehe.


Responses

  1. tinitigan ko ng matagal ang ending mo.hehe.nway, di ko alam kung ano ang mas upsetting sa akin: to be called jaded (na fortunately di ko pa na-experience) or to be called naive (which happens all the time, lalo na kung nagsasabi ako ng mga hopes ko for our country).

  2. ako first time ko this week to be called jaded, and twice pa. kaya medyo nakaka-rattle ng slight. pero naive, hehe, naive talaga ako.

    p.s. natawa ako sa phrase na “hopes for our country” ewan ko kung bakit. parang line sa essay contest. hehe.

  3. Hey Jae, maganda rin ang blog mo. Winner ang entries at favorite ko yung “for papa.” Siguro dahil chika kami ni papa kasi nagta-trabaho rin sya sa bahay ni kuya. Bakit mas maganda ang lay-out mo? At paano nagiging consistent ang font? Kung mapapansin mo yung sa akin, nagra rambulan ang tahoma at times new roman. Medyo chaka.

    Tumbling ako sa ending ng “jaded.” Keri na sana ang “I want to be Jae-alive.” Pero, “forevermore?”

  4. Hmmm… I don’t think you’re jaded at all — at least in my experience. But it could be a toggle switch hinged on one’s emotional state. I switch from ‘jaded’ to ‘eternal optimist’ in a week and vice versa, depending on my self-preservation threshold vis-a-vis thirst for instant gratification. In the event of failure (as you so horribly describe it) in the affairs of the heart, I can go either way as well, depending on the amount of time spent (wasted) and the corresponding emotional investment. Miss na kita. It’s time to meet again. I have an exciting development to share.

  5. jana – hmm, oo nga ano. tiningnan ko site mo ulit, paiba iba nga ng font. yung sa akin, wala naman akong ginawang special para maging consistent. syempre, hindi ko yan kaya sagutin. baka si josel.🙂 FOREVERMORE, hehe. lam mo na, side A. nakaperma-lock na ako sa 1998.

    mori – but see, mori, if all you’re after is instant gratification, that TOO is jadedness, di ba? thats not eternal optimism at all.🙂 o whats your kwento?????? kayo na ulit???? or may bago ka nang boyfriend???? my gosh. wait lang, flyzung muna ako quezon today tapos bukas na bukas din, magkita tayo. cant wait!

  6. Napaisip ako sa entry na ito. Sa description mo, praktikal ka lang na tao. Jaded ba yun? Na parang you fight the battles you can win (even if the ‘win’ is in another front). Sa relationships, sure ako, hindi ka jaded. Far from it. Noon nga I would venture to say naive ka pa ng konti (hehe, ako hanggang ngayon). But you’ve grown up, so kudos to you. That’s being a realist, with two feet on the ground.🙂

  7. Thanks, joan! Yes, I guess experience has taught me that having two feet planted on the ground has its merits. Hindi ka susuko, pero pipili ka ng larangan where the chances of victory could be greater. Sa relasyon, hmmm, yeah I guess medyo naive pa din, though wiser and more careful now than I was five years (sige na nga, A YEAR, hehehehehehe) ago. But (like you) I’ll always be a sucker for the big bang love, and (like you as well) I make no apologies for that.🙂

  8. Pwede ring title nito “No Apologies”.🙂

    Of course you’re not jaded!

  9. yah, i guess im not. medyo jarring lang to hear it twice in a row after not hearing it for.. uhm… 28 years.🙂


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