Posted by: Jae | August 10, 2008

Don’t Fall In Love With A Superhero

“Don’t fall in love with a superhero.” So goes my friend’s text to me as I was idly watching the waves of Panglao from outside our resort. This was a friendship defined by incoherent text messages very early in the morning, midnight phone calls and intense arguments via email, so I guess it was something I was used to. I fired off a quick response (“tama ka”) and brushed off the mental cobwebs that marred my view of the ocean.

But then, now that I’m back in Manila, I started really thinking about it, and i realized that that could well be my problem. I have a weird penchant for superheroes. Not of the variety that scales walls and wears tights (and briefs over them), but, well, those who still passionately dream of and work for a world that is fairer and more just. The past few guys I’ve dated have all been in the movement, and though I could ascribe it to pure laziness (work with them in the daytime, date them at night…simple ang buhay), there’s something more, of course. Like I always say, I need to be with someone who views the world in a way I can respect.

But of course, recent experiences (by recent, I mean the past couple of years or so) make me now question the wisdom of such a criterion. On the one hand, pwede kayo magpakalasing sa passion and intensity, pero on the other, I’m creeping into my thirties and hankering for some stability. Sometimes I look at the neat and cozy lives of my friends and wonder if maybe I have my equations all wrong. Jane articulated that too in her blog entry about her friend “Holden”. It’s hard enough to explain my life choice to people (one of my classmates in college actually asked me, “so bakit ka nga nag-agriculture? ano ba ginagawa ng agricultural lawyer”), it’s harder to explain why I haven’t “gotten my act together” (actual phrase used) and start looking for a lawyer or doctor or engineer to hang out with and eventually marry.

Kasi nga gusto ko ng superhero. Truth, justice and the American AKBAYAN way.

But then, I’ve found that superheroes are often very complicated men. Mala-dark knight. And for those who know me best, I’m really just a simple girl. Hindi ako kumplikado. I don’t play games, I don’t tacticize, I say what I mean and mean what I say. One thing that’s strange about me is that no matter how exposed I am to injustice in this world (my job description is trying to end it by taking teeny-tiny steps) and despite being a victim of pure evil a whole lifetime ago, I still trust that the universe is a kind and gentle place. Kaya siguro, unexplained meanness shocks me so much. I just never see it coming, and when it does, it sends me reeling. A month and a half ago, I was just trying to be kind to someone, and when it was met with such sharp hostility, wala akong handles with which to respond. My friend says it might not be a big deal, but then, who’s to say what’s a big deal and what’s not? Nagmaganda ako, pretended it didn’t hurt me so much, but it did. And that’s because I didn’t understand it. It was completely incoherent to me. And I don’t know what to learn from it — except perhaps not to be kind? To keep on second-guessing myself, lest I be misunderstood or overread? To calibrate affection, as though life is some chess game or Abba song (all together now: “the winner takes it aaaaaaaaaall…”)?

Weird. Di ako ganun.

In the end, I’m still hoping that there is someone out there who can be the superhero I am looking for, but who can also be my bedrock and safe haven. And who won’t be so complicated and would accept me for who I am, warts and weirdness and weaknesses.

And while I’m at it, Lord, sana din po, HOT. At lalaking lalaki. Ayoko po kasi sana ng metrosexual.

Hehe.🙂


Responses

  1. but will you be satisfied with just a mere “mortal?”
    sumpa rin namin ng mga barkada ko yan na kumplikado ang mga karelasyon/relasyon. pwde namang hindi pero ganun talaga.
    i’ve met at least two persons who i thought were ideal: me maayos na buhay, may direksyon, kayang dalhin ang sarili.

    nameet ko sila nung magdasal ako kay lord at binigyan siya ng specs na parang bumibili ng computer: lord, sana mabait, may maayos na trabaho, responsable, kayang magpatakbo ng sariling buhay (para kung nawawala ako at ipinapatapon sa malalayong lugar, keri lang sa kanya), yung maiintindihan ang trabaho .. maganda ang mata). linear ang buhay. predictable.

    ibinigay nya un. not once but twice. sabi nga ni susan roces.
    pero not once but twice ko ring tinanggihan ang hulog ng langit.

    bakit?
    kasi parang gusto ko aalagaan ko, kumplikado (para i-solve ko ang buhay nya hahahaha para challenge), tpos walang direksyon (para sabay naming tukuyin ang pupuntahan namin).

    maaring hindi sila superhero (mga villains siguro) pero sila ang gusto ko.

    ang tawag nga, tulad ng sinabi ko, sumpa.
    pero yun ang gusto ko. malamang.

    fall in love with a superhero, i say.
    mahirap. nakakainis. nakakaburyong. nakaka-depress.

    pero isipin mo.
    at least, pag matanda ka na, makulay ang buhay mo.
    at mas matibay ka nang tao. hehehhee

    ang masokista mong kaibigan,
    jt ehehhe

  2. ayayay. nakakatakot naman ang suggestion mong yan. mukhang pag sinunod ko yan, mapapadpad na naman tayo sa puerto galera at malalasing sa mindoro sling.

    compromise: ireretain ko ang superhero at kumplikado (pero sana medyo lang), pero di ko talaga keri ang walang direksyon at alagain.

    hehe.

  3. “I still trust that the universe is a kind and gentle place.”

    Because you are a kind and gentle person, Jae. Ang bait bait mo. Sino ba naman ang magtyatyagang magtext sa isang stranger na nagsabing suicidal siya para lang di siya magpakamatay kahit di mo kaano-ano? Hehe. But really, I’ve really been privileged to watch your acts of kindness to others and it astounds me where you get the energy. Sa mga hindi nakakakita noon, malas nila.

    Bye, I’m off to find the nearest phone booth and change into my cape. Hehe.

  4. hmm, superman. hehe. kaso gusto ko batman. brooding ang dating.

  5. Well, it’s easy to misunderstand your kindness kasi nga, the hard truth is, hindi sanay ang mundo sa mabait. Like yung suicidal text mate mo nga (talagang bumabalik at bumabalik doon), the day after, naisip niya na “easy” ka and pwede kayo mag flirting-text di ba? Kaya dapat minsan maging MASAMA ka… or at the very least, malisyosa.

    Second point: mahirap maghanap ng superhero na hindi metrosexual. kasi di ba, uniform ng mga metrosexual, tight shirt. may superhero bang nakamaluwag na shirt? hahahaha.

  6. “I know your love is super as Superman,
    I know your love is amazing as Spiderman,
    I know love is incredible as the Hulk,
    I know your love is mighty as the Avengers.
    And I know your love is as real and dark as Batman.”

    -Khavn Dela Cruz

  7. wella – masama naman ako ah. paminsan minsan. *evil cackle*🙂

    emman – hi.🙂

  8. I can’t stand to fly
    I’m not that naive
    I’m just out to find
    The better part of me

    I’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane
    More than some pretty face beside a train
    It’s not easy to be me

    Wish that I could cry
    Fall upon my knees
    Find a way to lie
    About a home I’ll never see

    It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
    Even heroes have the right to bleed
    I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
    Even heroes have the right to dream
    It’s not easy to be me

    Up, up and away…away from me
    It’s all right…you can all sleep sound tonight
    I’m not crazy…or anything…

    I can’t stand to fly
    I’m not that naive
    Men weren’t meant to ride
    With clouds between their knees

    I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
    Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
    Only a man in a funny red sheet
    Looking for special things inside of me
    Inside of me
    Inside me
    Yeah, inside me
    Inside of me

    I’m only a man
    In a funny red sheet
    I’m only a man
    Looking for a dream

    I’m only a man
    In a funny red sheet
    And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…

    Its not easy to be me

  9. waw. superman. hehe.

  10. Sa tingin ko lang hindi naman lahat naghahanap ng superhero. Pero lahat naghahanap ng kasama. Naks. Kung sa assessment mo from these past few years parang you keep falling for superheroes “..not of the variety that scales walls and wears tights (and briefs over them), but, well, those who still passionately dream of and work for a world that is fairer and more just..” at napapaisip ka kung bakit, tumingin ka sa salamin.

    One other way of looking at it, y’know, is that superheroes flock around you. Bakit kaya..

    Ako gusto ko ng one part strength three parts sex appeal. Again, bakit kaya.. Hahaha. Toink.

  11. DARNAAAAAAAAH!!!!

    hahahaha. labyu.

    oo na, may sex appeal ka na. haha. basta ako din ha.

  12. Mas ok ka na, na mahilig ka sa superhero. E ako, feeling ko ako ang babaeng superman (ayoko ng supergirl, sidekick lang, bida dapat ako) at ang mga lalaking dumadating sa buhay ko e puro mga kryptonite. Nakakapang-hina.

  13. hay, madami talagang lalaki nakakaubos ng lakas — and i dont mean that in a good way. hehe.🙂

  14. Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!


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